Even though it's that time of year, it's rare that I stop and reflect on how things have gone over the last 12 months, mostly because it doesn't serve much purpose to me to relive the past, unless there's a lesson to be learned. Lurking there also was that little twinge of regret (at least recently), that there was some potential gone unmet, opportunities lost, time wasted, etc. Not so much in '05, though. Over the past few years I've done quite a bit of work to get to this point in time where I feel like I have control over my own life again and am starting really enjoy things. Put another way: this year, the inner Fred matches the outer Fred.
This blog is an example. In the past, I really wanted to make stronger connections to the people I know and care about, to share what's going on in my life, yet couldn't (or wouldn't) for whatever reason. I mean, shit, it took me months to tell my closest friends and family about the divorce and I just don't want to be like that anymore. This is a good start, I think.
People are noticing, too, which helps validate the whole process, to let me know that I've made progress. A coworker of mine, whom I've known for, jeez, 10 years now remarked to me some time ago "It's good to have the old you back." I wanted to say that the old me is gone forever, replaced with something better, but I know what he meant.
I accept change as a process that should be embraced, rather than fought. I am comfortable with ambiguity. I am as old as I feel. I'm learning how to network. I understand the difference between fashion and style. I'll look you in the eye and not get uncomfortable. Among other things.
It's a good start, and there's always things to work on, such as being more confident in myself and projecting that outwards, but now the setbacks won't send me spiraling into days or weeks of depression. At the risk of sounding terribly sentimental, I'm looking forward to seeing all of you in '06; no matter how long we've known each other, y'all should know that I appreciate your friendship and support very much. Have a good year.
-Fred
